Proceed With Caution

***I just reread this post at 12:57AM 2.14.2020 and just thought, “Wow! I sure sound like a crazy person.” Anyhow, at that moment I was having a flare and really did just have to deal with that insurance issue. I was actually going to delete the post but thought I would keep it as a record, a photograph really. That jumble of incoherent rantings is a clear picture of how my brain functions while I am in severe pain as I didn’t even try to sit and edit before hitting publish. If you who is reading this choose to continue reading, thank you for your understanding.

Hello Thursday! Hopefully, you that is reading this is having a beautiful day. Not me, but I am trying! Despite having to hear from a clinical nurse from the Long Term Disability insurance says that according to my last CT scan and MRI, I should be well enough to return to work and I shouldn’t be in pain. I am going to have a fabulous day, damn it! I really must take an Anger Management refresher course. I thought really bad thoughts and I even let a few choice comments come out of my mouth. Really, a picture they say is a thousand words but does this include pain? The nurse had indicated in my records which were the CT scan and MRI, that I had mild changes and I should be all better. Really? I know they are doing their job and I apologized at the end of the conversation. Also, she noted that it is looking like I had a pre-existing condition. Hmmmm? Really? For the last 10 or so years the doctors that treated me and prescribed plenty of pain medication and offered lots of anti-depressants because, really, I was over weight and you know contrary to the old adage “Fat & Jolly” I was type-cast as “Obese & Clinically Depressed” and not in pain. They, medical professionals, could not look past my weight and never got to the right diagnosis. NO, really, I know why I was fat then and fat now, I friggin’ love food! When I was younger I played lots of sports so it kept me under the 200 lb mark. This is even when I was chuggin’ Old English back in the day. Yes, as my mother would sarcastically say to me, “You eat like a horse!” Yes, that was true, I was always the first one through with dinner. Anyhow, I have given up drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes, but would never give up food. Some of my best memories are attached to certain dishes. I do follow many weight-loss blogs as sometimes they offer some good advice or a tasty calorie reduced recipe also I like reading about their journeys. Me though, I am trying to use moderation and exercising. I am not ready to join a diet plan. So far, I have lost a few pounds and actually my upper body feels pretty strong but I am having issues walking. I know that I will get there, it is just taking time. I had noticed that I was going to the bar, or should I say the refrigerator, when pain levels hit around 8. You see I had read this article about self soothing and how people have different ways to self sooth. Some use alcohol, some use drugs or sex or food. Their are others on the other side of that, they self sooth with exercise or spending money or gambling. As I was saying, the article said to write down when you wanted to eat, like what you were feeling, where you were at, what time and such. I noticed that I binged when my pain was the highest. It really is hard to feel anything when all your neuro-receptor are fixated on a fresh, chewy chocolate brownie. Yes, my mouth is watering as I type this…Oh yeah, now I do what I have been doing, getting up if I am sitting, walking outside, laying down. I know I got off course but I needed something to make me not so angry and you know something, I feel lighter and not so anxious. By the way, in 2017 I was ill and lost over 40 lbs cause food, my life long friend no longer gave me the same joy.  Found out later, that was the result of Topamax, my seizure medication.  That weight loss did not alleviate my pain.  Not one bit.  I am not saying that a5 lb weight loss or any weight loss for that matter can’t help with pain, but do know that it is not the ultimate answer.  Anyhow, I almost apologized for this rant. I said I was refraining from using sorry as a standard statement from me. I really wanted to finish the blog post from our weekend adventures but needed to vent. So, thanks for stopping by, and really, do have a lovely day! Hugs to the ones that need it and especially to ones that don’t.


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